Hogwarts: A Rehabilitated History

HRC Staff:

Head Counselor: Albus Dumbledore
After stepping down as headmaster of the most prestigious (read: only) wizarding school in Britain, Dumbledore used his influence with the Ministry to create a rehab center within that same school. Now known as Uncle Albie, he spends all his time 'advising' the new headmistress and collecting payment for Potter's name tag changes.
Assistant Head Counselor: Fawkes the Sock
Sadly unable to claim the status of puppet due to a lack of adornment, Fawkes is nonetheless Albus' right hand.

Eastern Meditation Counselor: Remus J. Lupin
Narcoleptic shoeless brownie-baking werewolf.

Teamwork Counselor: Severus Snape
Obsessive-compulsive misanthrope whose world has narrowed to two goals: not shagging Potter, and discovering Counselor Black's role at Hogwarts Rehab.

Self-Acceptance Counselors: Argus and Dobby Filch
True soulmates who share a passion for BDSM.

Inner Child Workshop Counselor: Gilderoy Lockhart
He knows joined-up writing.

Counselor of... something or other: Sirius Black
Look, what the hell does he do? He's on the payroll. He has a name tag. Albus must have hired him for something. Well someone did. For something. Gah.

HRC ~~Inmates~~ Patients:

Harry Potter (Boy Who Changes Name Tags Twice a Day)
Traumatised by the war, Harry now seeks love in the arms of... well, everyone. Except Counselor Snape, 'cause he's mean.

Lord Voldemort (Fucking Dogs)
Dethroned Dark Lord, Voldemort's largest concerns these days are schmoozing an invite to the Order of the Serpent, getting his eastern meditation nick back from Emperor of the Universe, and figuring out what the hell is in the brownies.

Lucius Malfoy (Emperor of the Universe)
The only sane person left on the face of the earth. And he's keeping the nick, so there.

Walden Macnair (Bleeding Heart)
He's seen the light. Unfortunately, the light's afraid of him.

Draco Malfoy (Daddy's Toy)
Having to share a bunk with Potter means Draco hasn't had a good night's sleep in months. Nevertheless he strives to remain perky and cheerful and cooperate with his counselors and peers and eliminate all negativity because maybe then he'll be allowed a free nick change and turn that damn 'T' a 'B'.

Bellatrix Lestrange (Black Widow) Order of the Serpent
Heiress to the Dark Lord's power, Bella is slowly establishing a new power base within Hogwarts. Unfortunately, her minions think they're the Dark Lady. Pfft.

Narcissa Malfoy (Black Beauty) Order of the Serpent
Heiress to the Dark Lord's power, Cissa is slowly establishing a new power base within Hogwarts. Unfortunately, her minions think they're the Dark Lady. Pfft.

Ginny Weasley/Tom Riddle (Lizard Queen/King) Order of the Serpent
Heiress to the Dark Lord's power... oh, you get the picture. The possessed youngest Weasley child has an unusual allergic reaction to cats.

Neville Longbottom (Auror Silentius)
Suffering from a permanent tongue-locker curse, Neville can only exact his revenge on voodoo dolls made in Arts & Crafts.

Ron Weasley (Harry Potter)
He's always wanted Harry's fame. And fortune. And looks. And glasses. And scar. And sex appeal. And multiple partners. And...

Crabbe and Goyle (Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber)
They have embraced their inner muggle... because they're one entity anyway.

Others:

Minerva McGonagall
Headmistress of Hogwarts

Fred and George Weasley
Purveyors of Discord

Percy Ignacius Weasley
Progress Evaluation Officer

Arthur Weasley
Potions Master Unextrodinaire

Bill Weasley
Reluctant rehabilitated war veteran, aspiring alcoholic

Moaning Myrtle Order of the Serpent
Secretary, Order of the Serpent... er, Game Club

Artwork Copyright Snaples, 2003

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	Head Counselor: Albus Dumbledore After stepping down as headmaster of the most prestigious (read: only) wizarding school in Britain, Dumbledore used his influence with the Ministry to create a rehab center within that same school. Now known as Uncle Albie, he spends all his time 'advising' the new headmistress and collecting payment for Potter's name tag changes. Assistant Head Counselor: Fawkes the Sock Sadly unable to claim the status of puppet due to a lack of adornment, Fawkes is nonetheless Albus' right hand.
	Eastern Meditation Counselor: Remus J. Lupin Narcoleptic shoeless brownie-baking werewolf.
	Teamwork Counselor: Severus Snape Obsessive-compulsive misanthrope whose world has narrowed to two goals: not shagging Potter, and discovering Counselor Black's role at Hogwarts Rehab.
	Self-Acceptance Counselors: Argus and Dobby Filch True soulmates who share a passion for BDSM.
	Inner Child Workshop Counselor: Gilderoy Lockhart He knows joined-up writing.
	Counselor of... something or other: Sirius Black Look, what the hell does he do? He's on the payroll. He has a name tag. Albus must have hired him for something. Well someone did. For something. Gah.

	Harry Potter (Boy Who Changes Name Tags Twice a Day) Traumatised by the war, Harry now seeks love in the arms of... well, everyone. Except Counselor Snape, 'cause he's mean.
	Lord Voldemort (Fucking Dogs) Dethroned Dark Lord, Voldemort's largest concerns these days are schmoozing an invite to the Order of the Serpent, getting his eastern meditation nick back from Emperor of the Universe, and figuring out what the hell is in the brownies.
	Lucius Malfoy (Emperor of the Universe) The only sane person left on the face of the earth. And he's keeping the nick, so there.
	Walden Macnair (Bleeding Heart) He's seen the light. Unfortunately, the light's afraid of him.
	Draco Malfoy (Daddy's Toy) Having to share a bunk with Potter means Draco hasn't had a good night's sleep in months. Nevertheless he strives to remain perky and cheerful and cooperate with his counselors and peers and eliminate all negativity because maybe then he'll be allowed a free nick change and turn that damn 'T' a 'B'.
	Bellatrix Lestrange (Black Widow) Order of the Serpent Heiress to the Dark Lord's power, Bella is slowly establishing a new power base within Hogwarts. Unfortunately, her minions think they're* the Dark Lady. Pfft.*
	Narcissa Malfoy (Black Beauty) Order of the Serpent Heiress to the Dark Lord's power, Cissa is slowly establishing a new power base within Hogwarts. Unfortunately, her minions think they're* the Dark Lady. Pfft.*
	Ginny Weasley/Tom Riddle (Lizard Queen/King) Order of the Serpent Heiress to the Dark Lord's power... oh, you get the picture. The possessed youngest Weasley child has an unusual allergic reaction to cats.
	Neville Longbottom (Auror Silentius) Suffering from a permanent tongue-locker curse, Neville can only exact his revenge on voodoo dolls made in Arts & Crafts.
	Ron Weasley (Harry Potter) He's always wanted Harry's fame. And fortune. And looks. And glasses. And scar. And sex appeal. And multiple partners. And...
	Crabbe and Goyle (Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber) They have embraced their inner muggle... because they're one entity anyway.

	Minerva McGonagall Headmistress of Hogwarts
	Fred and George Weasley Purveyors of Discord
	Percy Ignacius Weasley Progress Evaluation Officer
	Arthur Weasley Potions Master Unextrodinaire
	Bill Weasley Reluctant rehabilitated war veteran, aspiring alcoholic
	Moaning Myrtle Order of the Serpent Secretary, Order of the Serpent... er, Game Club